I have now picked out all the cement and flattened the window out as well as I can. There are a couple of pieces of glass I can't level out because the maker dripped soldering under the edge of the came and it's pushing the glass out of line. But it's still a vast improvement.
Next I need to solder the broken joints. I've prepped them and have what I need and there's no reason why I shouldn't be able to do it...it's been sitting there for two weeks, waiting...but I'm still putting it off. Nervous I will do irreparable harm, even though intellectually I know there's nothing I can do to this window that is irreparable. Even if I had to remake every bit of it from scratch, it's possible to do so. So what's holding me back?
I was talking to my husband about it, and I think it boils down to pride. I have always been able to grasp things quickly and do well at what I undertake. I might go so far as to say everything (except math) has been pretty easy for me my whole life. I'm used to feeling confident and expert at whatever I do. But I don't feel confident about my soldering abilities (before I've even tried!) and I don't want to botch it up and prove myself inexpert at something. Is that stupid or what? Of course I won't be expert at it! I've never done it before. By the time I've done all 55 pieces, I will be expert at it. And who is going to be examining these windows with a magnifying glass, anyway? They're going into my own home, not a public monument. And they're in such bad shape, anything I do to them can only be an improvement.
All I can do is plunge in and give it a go. This is one of those things you have to learn by doing. It's expected that I'll feel wobbly about it at first.
But I'm not used to feeling wobbly and uncertain and cowardly...
Wow. Just two days since I wrote that you shouldn't expect self reflection in this blog... Sorry!
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